Sun, 06 Nov 2005

A Remembrance

It was seven years ago today, November 6th, that tragedy struck my wife's family as her mother was killed in an automobile accident. It was an honor for me to be asked to write and deliver the eulogy at the funeral services. By way of remembering my mother-in-law, I present it here today:

I met Phyllis Uhler on Easter Sunday, 1992. My future bride had decided that she had cleaned me up enough for a formal introduction to her family, and that Easter dinner was the time to do it. Now, I'm an only child - my Mom and I have always been close. I have an Aunt that I see every few years and a half-dozen cousins, I think. This did NOT prepare me for Easter dinner at the Uhlers! It was organized chaos-it was a feast- it was kids and grandkids and aunts and brothers and sisters and grandfathers, it was ham and green beans and scalloped corn. And presiding over it all was Phyllis - controlling the chaos, giggling with the kids, cooking and bustling, organizing the egg hunt. She welcomed me as though she'd known me all her life - in fact she even enlisted me to help clear the table and hide some eggs! But the most amazing thing about that day came after dinner. I was walking back to the dining room to go outside or something when I saw Phyllis stretched out on the floor on her back! I later discovered that this was simply her habit to help her stomach settle after a meal, but at the time it was not exactly an everyday occurrence for me to see a grown woman of Phyllis' age just lay on the floor under a table. I must've stared or at least looked puzzled. She glanced up, she saw my expression, and she laughed. And laughed. And laughed. This wasn't an ordinary laugh, this was a Phyllis laugh - and those of us who were privileged in our lifetimes to have heard it will know exactly what I'm talking about. It was the most sincere expression of joy I have ever heard - it was completely infectious, so much so that even if you didn't know why she was tickled, once she started, you had to join in.

As I came to know my mother-in-law better and better, it became clear that this was a wholly remarkable woman - in a way, and I hope I can say this right, Phyllis didn't have a family, Phyllis was family. It was rare that we would stop by her house and not find another family member there - my wife's brother or sister or sister-in-law, a grandchild (or two, or three), a sister or brother ... and if anyone in this amazing family needed anything - well, Phyllis was there. She was the family chauffeur - and her taxi logged many a mile for football games, church functions, and all of the innumerable activities that kids get involved in. She never complained about any of it - she enjoyed it!

Wherever Phyllis went she always seemed to have a smile on her face and a kind word to say. No matter how mundane the contact, people noticed this and they responded to it. The amazing floral display here today stands as a testimony to her character. These are from family, from friends and acquaintances, but most importantly they are from other people whose lives Phyllis touched, from neighbors and beauticians, tenants and clerks, others too numerous to mention.

Heroes are defined by Webster as those great men and women whom others find worthy of emulation. It occurs to me that there are two types of heroes in this life. There are those of mythic proportions - leading armies, driving political parties, fighting battles and winning games. And there are those that I like to call person-to-person heroes, perhaps unsung in the great sweep of human events, but making a small difference with every life touched. Phyllis was this latter kind of hero - and the many small differences she made in all of our lives have added to a truly staggering sum.

All of us will miss that special touch in our lives. But perhaps none of us will miss her quite like her grandchildren. On the wall of Phil's kitchen hangs a plaque - it's been hanging there for many years. I have no idea who wrote this, but I know that it was written about Phyllis.

"A Grandma is someone God made special for kids. She always has something sweet like cookies. Grandma tells real good stories even past bedtime. We go for walks to look at leaves and caterpillars. Grandma never says, "Hurry up". Also, she answers questions like, "Why isn't God married?" Everyone should try to have a Grandma because they are the only grownups who have time …."

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